Can it be hard for you to be tender and receptive? Conversely, do you find it difficult to be decisive and get things done?
“If any human being is to reach full maturity, both the masculine and the feminine sides of the personality must be brought up into consciousness”
– Mary Esther Harding
All of us have feminine and masculine qualities. When those energies are balanced within us, we feel integrated and able to manifest what we want in life fluidly and effortlessly. However, most of us have some wounding around the masculine and/or feminine that can make it difficult for us to access that sense of flow and integration. These wounds often have compounding factors such as:
- our relationship with each of our parents (or guardians)
- our parents’ relationship to each other (or lack thereof)
- messages we received about masculinity and femininity from society, religious teachings and/or our peers
- messages we received about our gender identity and/or sexual orientation
- any wounding from our early sexual encounters
- any trauma/abuse we have experienced
In Chinese philosophy, the concept of yin and yang encapsulates the importance of polar yet interdependent energies, and the need for these energies to harmoniously flow in and out of each other like the flow of the tides. The following are five tips to help you heal your relationship to your masculine and feminine energies. If you have deep trauma that you have not gotten professional support around or if you start feeling flooded as you read this, I recommend reaching out for external support before following these tips on your own.
# 1: Healing your mother wounds
Feel into the relationship (or lack thereof) you had with your mother. If you were adopted or a foster child, you can do this both with your biological mother (whether you knew her or not) as well as any female guardian/adoptive parent.
Ask yourself what messages you received from your mother about yourself and the world? Notice what emotions arise as you bring up that relationship. Where do you feel those emotions in your body? I invite you to breathe deeply into that area of your body, until there is a sense of calm.
Ask yourself if there is any particular age or ages needing healing? If not, stay with the emotions and physical sensations. If an age or a memory does come up, imagine that you are holding that younger part of you, and saying any of the following that feels appropriate: “I am so sorry that you learned that you are all alone/your needs don’t matter.” “I want you to know that none of this is your fault. It has nothing to do with you.” “Mom’s inability to care for you in the way you need is a reflection of her capacity/wounds. It has nothing to do with you and your worth.” “You are perfect as you are.” And start feeling into the possibility of letting go of unresolved baggage with your mother. Of giving back to her any message you might have absorbed from her about yourself and your worth. Do this until you feel more calm when you think of your mother.
#2: Healing your father wounds
Follow the same steps as above with your father or father figure.
#3: Healing your parents’ relationship within you
Often, our relationship to our own masculine and feminine mirrors either 1) the relationship we had with our parents, or 2) the relationship our parents had with each other (or both). If one of your parents was absent or died, you can think of any stories you heard about them.
You may want to take a piece of paper. In one column, write down the things you heard your parents say about each other (these may be positive, too). In another column, write down ways they behaved with each other in order to meet their needs. This might be yelling, nagging, avoiding or checking out, placating or giving in, trying to control the other’s behavior, betraying the other and so on.
Feel into your own relationship with your feminine or masculine, and see if there is any resonance with the list you wrote down. For example, does one part of you check out while the other nags and criticizes? Do you favor the qualities in yourself that mirror those of the parent you viewed as being more powerful or safer?
If it feels appropriate, imagine that you are calling your parents’ higher selves in front of you. You might place a picture or representation of them in front of you, drawing a circle around them. And imagine that you are giving back to them anything you might have taken on for yourself of their pattern. If you wish you can place the list you wrote down in the circle with them. “I honor you both and wish you well on your journey. And this pattern of ___________ is no longer mine to keep. I give it back, with love and compassion.”
#4 Healing from societal messages
Now, take another piece of paper and in one column, write a list of all the messages you received from society, your peers, the media, and religious teachings about how men and women should be. If it’s relevant, write any messages you received about your sexual orientation and gender identity. In another column, write a list of all the messages you received about which aspects of you were desirable. In a third column, write a list of the aspects of yourself or emotions you learned were not acceptable.
If the messages in the first column do not feel true to you (anymore), you can cross them out, tear them up or burn them (safely). Write another list of what you wish to believe or now believe about your feminine/masculine qualities, as well as your sexual orientation and gender identity.
Looking at the third column, imagine that you are calling back any of the parts of you you may have disconnected from which you like to reconnect with. This might be your vulnerability, your trust, your ability to express your needs, your power, your anger, your care, and so on. You can visualize them coming back to you through your crown, as gold light.
#5 Uncoupling the trauma from your masculine/feminine energy
When we have a difficult or traumatic experience with a female or male-bodied person, we often end up associating that person’s transgressions with masculine or feminine energy. While masculine and feminine energy are neutral manifestations of our own life force, we believe that the energy itself is not to be trusted.
If this is the case, imagine that you have two boxes. One representing the person who harmed you, and another box representing the energy (masculine or feminine) that you associate them with. And imagine that you are pulling those two boxes apart, so that the masculine/feminine energy feels neutral and free from the associations you have with the person. You may do this through writing or in a painting. Or you may imagine that you are showering the masculine/feminine box with healing and cleansing light.
Affirmations for anchoring the healing
Now that you have started healing some of your wounds around your feminine and masculine energy, you can read these affirmations to yourself, highlighting any that particularly resonate with you:
- I am healing the residue of my mother wounds
- I am healing the residue of my father wounds
- Their inability to care for me in the way I needed is on them
- Their inability has nothing to do with my worth
- I am letting go of these old societal messages
- I am reconnecting to the divine feminine within me
- I am calling back my ability to trust and surrender
- I have everything I need to nurture myself
- I am reconnecting to the divine masculine within me
- I am calling back my ability to manifest what I want in the world
- It is safe for me to feel and express my power
- I am letting go of my parents’ relationship to each other
- I am learning to relate to myself in a healthier way
- I am healing my old traumas and wounding
- My masculine and feminine energies are integral parts of who I am
- I am allowing myself to feel whole and balanced
- I am allowing life force energy to flow through me
- I am allowing this to be easy and effortless
© Jenny Brav
