Do you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth? Do you fear judgement, and take others’ comments very personally?
“Don’t let the expectations and opinions of other people affect your decisions. It’s your life, not theirs. Do what matters most to you; do what makes you feel alive and happy.” – Roy T. Bennett
“You’ll never know who you are unless you shed who you pretend to be.” – Vironika Tugaleva
Many of us live life probationally. As though our very existence were on trial, and we have to prove our worth in order to get to stay. To this end, we may expend much of our energy trying to do the “right” thing and to please others so we get validation that it’s okay we’re here. Or we strive to check societally endorsed boxes of success (unfortunately, nothing is ever enough). Conversely, we may be guarded, bracing for the judgment that we’re sure is about to come. Constantly on the defensive, gathering rebuttals and justifications to counter any incriminating evidence that we fear will come our way.
There are plenty of valid reasons for this. As children, many of us learned through the parenting we received and/or the educational system we went through that our value would be measured by our performance and/or behavior. As such, we disconnected from our inherent sense of worth, and learned to change or temper some parts of ourselves to get approval or avoid punishment. Additionally, many of us have histories of persecution due to gender, race, religious beliefs, class, ethnicity, sexual orientation (and so forth) somewhere in our lineage. These actual lived experiences of being shunned often get passed on in our genetic makeup and responses to life.
However, when our strategies aren’t updated to match our current circumstances, this defensive/apologetic stance makes it difficult to live a full and authentic life. It might be helpful to look at these tips for clearing childhood wounds and releasing ancestral baggage.
Once you have, here are four reminders to help you release this probationary approach to life.
- Your worth is unconditional
Although this might not be the message you received, the truth is that your worth is inherent. Not dependent on anything external. This is the universal truth that applies to all living beings. You are here not to make up for your existence, but to be grateful for it. To shine as brightly as you wish to, all your gifts in evidence.
- You’re here to take up space
You may have learned you need to hide to be safe. And if that’s the case, you can give that scared young part of you love and compassion, and take things slowly. Also, let that part know that your circumstances have changed. It is now not only safe, it’s actually safer than hiding, which is now causing you pain and distress. Because you’re here to be visible. To take up space. You don’t see trees in the forest huddling in the background, trying to make themselves scarce.
- You’re here to be YOU
A common strategy to survive our families, authority figures, and/or our peer group is to try to adapt to whatever we perceive as the majority or accepted way to be in order to fit in. However, if you’re not you, who will be?
If all the flowers in the world were the same, how boring would that be? We are all born with our own unique flavor of being, that we are meant to shine and thrive with. We are not meant to mimic everyone else, or play by cookie-cutter rules.
- The only expert on your life is you
Others may have opinions on how you live your life, your job, your clothes, your romantic partners and so on. But remember, other people’s judgments reflect on them (their values, beliefs, wounding, triggers etc.), not on you. The only person whose opinion matters is your own. Which isn’t to say you can’t honor or listen to others. But you have the final say.
Learn to listen to and trust your inner guidance, for it will lead you where you need to go. And if/when you feel stuck, and/or doubt creeps in, know that that’s just a scared young part needing reassurance. Pause, send love to the fear, and let that part know that it’s okay to be scared. It’s safe now. And wait until the doubt clears, or at least quiets, to take the next steps.
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Next time you notice you’re making yourself small, getting defensive, stifling your voice to please others, judging yourself or others, I invite you to stop. And remind yourself:
“My life is NOT on trial. I have full permission to exist and take up space. Why else would I be here?”
