Do you ever feel like there is always more you need to do, to become, in order to feel ok? Do have a “not enough” radar that is constantly scrutinizing yourself, others, or life for what is lacking?
“Whoever is not in his coffin and the dark grave, let him know he has enough” – Walt Whitman
It can be very subtle. A vague sense of unease, like a slight static buzz on the TV screen. There is something I should be doing that I am not. My inner judge tells me time and opportunity are slipping through my fingers. I feel a tightening in my abdomen. All is not quite as it should be, but I have no idea what is wrong. My chest constricts and it is hard for me to be completely present to what is. Other times, my “not good enough” voice is loud and insistent, like a nagging child tugging at me to get attention. “You don’t know what you are doing! You aren’t ever going to get this right.”
During my journey of growth and transformation, I have found more and more space from that voice. A sense of contentment that is not coupled with craving or fear of the moment ending. Although the unease and feelings of lack still crop up, they don’t have the same grip on me as they did. The following explores some of the ways we absorb the message we are “not enough,” four short exercises and a guided meditation to start shifting that belief.
Childhood messages of not enough
Most of us learned early on that it wasn’t enough to simply be. That we needed to behave in certain ways or do/not do specific things in order to get validation or avoid punishment. We learned to hide all the parts that felt unacceptable and to show our best face to the world. In instances where there was abuse, neglect or any kind of trauma there can be a real sense of hopelessness. A feeling that “no matter what I do, it is never enough,” accompanied with the belief that “there must be something completely flawed about me for this to happen.” This can also be entwined with anger and indignation, and a subconscious fear that healing will somehow condone the abuse.
Exercise # 1: I invite you to start feeling into ways you feel inadequate, or that something is lacking from your life. It might be a feeling that there is never enough time, something you want to change about yourself or your life, or disappointment in others. Whatever it is, just feel into it. Think back to a time in your childhood when you first started feeling this. And give that child part compassion.
Coping strategies for not enough
Our consumer society further feeds our feelings of not being enough–not thin enough, young enough, healthy enough, hip enough and so on—to sell us promises of betterment. But of course, it is never enough, and the sense of emptiness persists. And so the consumer world steps in once more to provide numerous ways for us to distract and numb out, to try to keep the “not good enough voices” at bay. Anything that can create a temporary escape—which is where addictions and other coping strategies often kick in.
Exercise #2: Start noticing the ways you have learned to cope with the feeling of not enough. Are you a perfectionist, or a perpetual procrastinator? Do you have patterns of anxiety? Acknowledge these patterns for having helped you survive difficult times, and start making space for other possibilities.
The posture of not enough
These feelings of inadequacy or lack show up in our bodies, in shoulders hunched or tensed from shouldering all those shoulds we pile on them every day. Our core and lower back may weaken from a constant barrage of negative self-talk and fears. Our head feels heavy and full with incessant mind-chatter, arms worn down from all that doing.
Exercise # 3: Imagine a scenario where your “not enough” pattern shows up, and feel into your body. Does any area feel contracted or tense? Maybe exaggerate the tension just a little, and see if any emotions, memories or body sensations arise for you. If your body was trying to tell you something, what might it be saying in this moment? Send compassion to your body for everything it has been holding for you.
The state of being (enough)
Many of us have been residing in a state of “not enough” for so long, it is very familiar. But what if we crossed state lines and tried switching states? When we stop and slow down, it can be overwhelming to be faced with the emptiness. Or it can lead to an immediate sense of well-being, of letting go. Or sometimes it vacillates between one and the other. Either way is fine. It is safe to stop, and allow your experience to be.
Exercise # 4: I invite you slow down. Breathe. Experiment with a state of being-ness, with no goal or end product. Just being and breathing is enough for this moment. And when you catch yourself focusing on what is wrong, give yourself compassion, and see if you can see what is right about it. You may be surprised to find out how many things aren’t going wrong that could be.
Guided meditation to shift the feeling of not being enough:
© Jenny Brav
