Have you ever noticed that your sense of well-being can shift in a split second? That perceived criticism, an interruption, or an unpleasant interaction can instantly dissolve your inner peace?
“At the center of your being you have the answer; You know who you are and you know what you want”- Lao Tzu
From an early age, we learn to derive our sense of okay-ness from external factors. As babies, we are completely dependent on the outside world to get our needs met. As children, most of us learn to do or not do certain things in order to get approval or stay out of trouble. As adults, many of us are still looking to the outside world to reassure us that we are okay and enough. This often causes us to mistrust and split off from our own inner knowing. Trauma, neglect, abuse and social discrimination can all exacerbate this disconnect.
The inside out switch
To understand this better, imagine that you have two switches.
- The first is the outside in switch. In this mode, we are looking to the outside world for validation and a sense of safety. We may be prone to reactivity, anxiety, feeling shutdown, hyper-vigilance, the need to please others, etc.
- The second is the inside out switch. In this mode, we derive our sense of well-being from internal cues. Even though we interact with and are impacted by the outside world, it doesn’t determine how we feel about ourselves. The focus is generally on being and on process, rather than on doing and outcome.
A good metaphor for the inside out switch is that of a tree. Even though the outside world (for example, too much/too little rain or fires) affects it, its circumstances don’t change its basic tree-ness or sense of worth. The following are some tips for reconnecting to your own internal compass.
Awareness
The first step is to start to be aware of what happens inside you. You might set your phone reminder to go off at random times, and check in to see which mode you are in. To practice awareness, I invite you to think of a person or situation (it could also be a pet peeve) that upsets you or throws you off balance. And as you do, feel into the following:
- Where is your attention as you think about this situation (is it inside of you, or outside of yourself)?
- Do you notice tension in your body as you remember the situation? If so, where, and what does it feel like?
- What are the thoughts or judgments going through your mind?
- Is this a familiar feeling?
Whenever we are strongly triggered by something, it is likely that the situation is activating something from our past. It might be linked to repeated experiences we had, or beliefs we developed about ourselves and the world. For example, we might have had a parent prone to unpredictable rage, which led to the belief that at any moment, something terrible might happen.
As we start to identify and understand these patterns, we can have a little more space from them. We can also start bringing our attention back inside ourselves when we notice that we have lost ourselves in our focus on the external.
Grounding
Next, it is very helpful to develop a grounding practice. This is any practice that helps you 1) connect more deeply to yourself, 2) feel embodied (that is, connected to your body, rather than being purely in your head) and 3) be in the present moment. Since I am highly sensitive and intuitive, learning to set and clear my energetic boundaries has been invaluable for me in learning to ground. Walking in nature, automatic writing, sports, gardening, art etc. can all be ways of grounding, as long as it meets the above criteria.
Guided meditation to ground and set your energetic field
The following guided meditation is intended to help you learn to ground and set your energetic field. Over the next week, I invite you to tune into yourself at different times during the day. Notice if you are in the “inside out” or “outside in” mode, and see if you can switch channels.
© Jenny Brav
