Do you habitually judge yourself and/or others? Can judgment interfere with your inner knowing?
“When we see the secret beauty of anyone, including ourselves, we see past our judgment and fear into the core of who we truly are – not an entrapped self but the radiance of goodness.” – Tara Brach
For most of us, judgment is such a pervasive part of our reality, it often flies under our radar. Our minds are constantly scanning and classifying our every experience: “good/bad,” “right/wrong,” “success/failure…” From a young age, most of us got clear incentives for what was deemed good behavior, and punishment or negative reinforcement for the bad. While we have probably all experienced how painful it is to be on the receiving end of judgment, that doesn’t stop us from judging ourselves and/or others on a daily basis.
Evolutionarily speaking, judgment is a powerful form of social control, as evidenced by complex judicial systems for regulating what is and isn’t acceptable group behavior. Shaming, peer pressure, and gossip are other ways that judgment can be used to get us to conform, and to punish us if we don’t. From a spiritual perspective, however, judgment of ourselves and/or others blocks healing. The antidote to judgment is curiosity and acceptance – qualities which can take quite some practice to cultivate.
The following are 6 tips for releasing your judgment.
#1 Being curious about your judgment
Most of us have a sense that being judgmental is a bad thing. However, judging our judgment only serves to reinforce it. Instead of pushing your judgment away, I invite you to take a step closer to it. Start noticing what kinds of situations or behaviors in yourself and others trigger your judgment. What does it feel like in your body when you are feeling judgmental? What kinds of things do you say to yourself or about others (even if only in your head)? Feel into what quality your judgment has. For example, is it sharp, self-righteous, self-deprecating, or whiny (and this might depend on the situation)?
#2 Understanding its function
Now that you have started to get more familiar with your judgment, I invite you to get curious about its function. Even when they end up being counter-productive, our patterns have a purpose. You might ask your judgment: “what are you trying to achieve for me?” Judgment of yourself and judgment of others may have a slightly different function, or it might be the same. For example, your self-judgment might be trying to motivate you to succeed, or may be a way to protect yourself from others’ criticism. Judgment of others might be a way of trying to control your environment, or to feel safe.
#3 Following the judgment to its root
Once you have a sense of what your judgment is trying to achieve for you, ask yourself “if there was an age associated with when I started using judgment as ___________ [i.e protection, motivation], what age would that be?” And see if any number pops into your head. Or you might follow the physical sensation of judgment in your body back in time, to a memory of when you first felt judged, or started judging yourself. Was someone in your family critical of themselves or of others? Once you have a sense of an age or a time-frame, you might imagine that you are sending this young version of yourself compassion for what they had to endure.
#4 Seeing judgment as a mirror
Our judgment of others is often a reflection of parts of ourselves we have a hard time accepting. In her seminal personal growth method The Work, Byron Katie shows how our judgment of others is usually a mirror for how we are treating them or ourselves by way of what she calls the “turnaround.” For more information, click here. Furthermore, what we are judging in others is often their wounded and/or their strategic self (rather than who they really are deep inside). The best way to help someone change is to reflect back their true self.
#5 Letting go of right and wrong thinking
As Rumi expressed so beautifully: “out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. (…). When the soul lies down in that grass the world is too full to talk about.” Many of us spend our lives trying to get it right, and correcting others when they get it wrong. While we learned this as a way to try to feel OK about ourselves, this is a limiting lens through which to live our lives. Next time you find yourself caught up in right/wrong thinking, I invite you to pause. To breathe. And ask yourself if there is another way you could view the situation?
#6 Opening to the secret beauty
Once you are able to hold your judgment with compassion and understanding for what it’s trying to accomplish, you can start feeling into what’s wanting to unfold inside. When you feel judgment of yourself or others, turn your attention inward. Feel into your heart and your body. Ask yourself what is wanting attention. And start feeling into part of you that wants to be seen and accepted exactly as it is.
