Have you ever noticed that just as you are getting close to someone you like, you do something to push them away? Or you procrastinate on a project you are invested in until the very last minute?
“Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn’t happen” – Alyce Cornyn-Selby
Self-sabotage can come in many forms. It may show up as procrastination, difficulty completing things, addictions, habitual lateness, hyper-vigilance, saying things impulsively–despite our inner voice telling us not to… Self-sabotaging behavior can impact all areas of our life – work, relationships, health goals, creative endeavors, and so on. It may also show up as events that seem out of our control. For example, I once had a client who got into accidents or somehow injured herself every time a project she cared about was close to completion.
From my perspective, self-sabotage is not in and of itself the problem, but is rather an indication that something is needing attention. The following are five tips for overcoming self-sabotage:
Tip #1: Track your pattern
The first step to overcoming a pattern is understanding it. First, what are you trying to achieve? For example, it might be writing a novel, exercising more, finding your life partner, or a project at work. Second, what is the behavior or pattern that is preventing you from achieving your goal? For example, you might be procrastinating, clinging to people you like or pushing them away, engaging in addictive behavior.
Start noticing in as much detail as possible when the behavior that is preventing you from achieving what you want comes up. Is there a pattern to it (i.e. it intensifies the closer you are to getting what you want)? Are there emotions that precipitate the behavior (for example overwhelm, doubt, anger)? Are there times when you feel you have more choice/spaciousness over the behavior than others, and if so, what makes the difference? I suggest you keep a notebook or journal where you jot down this information.
Tip #2: Explore the underlying belief
Now that you’ve begun to track the pattern, start looking for the underlying belief behind it. You might want to close your eyes for a minute, and imagine that you have achieved your goal. Notice what happens in your body. Does any area constrict? If so, are there any thoughts associated with that tightening? What belief do you have about having what you want? It might be that you aren’t good enough, that if you are too happy something tragic might happen, or that if you are too successful you will lose your ties to your family. Write the belief down in your journal.
Ask yourself what age you were when you first started believing this, and see if any number pops up. What was happening in your life at the time? What did you start doing in order to manage the situation and/or your feelings? Write that down too.
“You can’t imagine just how much believing in negative thoughts is affecting your life…until you stop.” — Charles F. Glassman
Tip #3: Understand your coping strategy
Now that you have a better understanding of your underlying belief, start exploring the coping strategies you developed to manage that belief. For example, let’s say your parents had high expectations that seemed impossible to satisfy, and as a result you have the belief that whatever you do isn’t good enough. You might have coped by pushing yourself hard and being in control as much as possible. Or you might have coped by acting out, pushing things off until the last minute, rebelling against the expectations… In all likelihood, the behavior that appears to be self-sabotage is just some aspect of your coping strategy.
Tip #4: Send empathy to that younger self
Although we have a tendency to resist our resistance, or to make that part of us wrong in order to try to change, the fastest way I know to change a pattern is to send it acceptance and understanding. When you notice the pattern that you tracked in tip #1, I invite you to pause. Check in with your younger self, who is terrified that if you go after what you want, his/her belief might be proven right. Give him/her empathy and love for how hard it was at the time. Let your younger self know that you are there now. S/he isn’t alone. And that the reason you are wanting to achieve the goal you have set for yourself is for him/her to have what s/he couldn’t have at the time (this might be companionship, safety, a creative outlet etc.).
Tip #5: Practice making another choice.
Once you have given your younger self empathy and recognition, check back in with the goal you are wanting to achieve. Does it seem more doable? Do you notice less “yeah buts and what ifs”? If not, you may want to keep doing steps 1-4. Otherwise, check in with the belief and coping strategy you wrote down earlier. See if the emotional charge (in other words, how true or triggering those feel to you) is still as high around them. If not, next time your self-sabotaging pattern comes up, pause and ask yourself if it is possible to make another choice. And see what happens.
© Jenny Brav
