Do you feel weighed down by the past? Can it be difficult to forgive yourself or others?
“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it” – Mark Twain
In this era of flinging blame and pointing fingers, forgiveness often feels like a scarce commodity. While there is general consensus in the mental health world that forgiving and moving on is beneficial for our well-being, in practice the topic can be a thorny one. Especially for those who have experienced trauma, abuse or neglect, forgiveness can seem like being asked to excuse what happened and to give the perpetrators a free pass. Or it may feel like one more instance of being asked to take the higher ground. In the case of something that we did, forgiveness may feel like letting ourselves off the hook.
Anger is an appropriate and important response to trauma or any kind of boundary violation, and being able to access and accept anger is often critical to healing. Conversely, anger at ourselves may be a first step towards owning and changing old patterns that no longer serve us. In the long-term, however, hanging onto resentment often keeps us energetically tied to the event or people we are angry at, and therefore unable to heal or move forward. When directed at ourselves, it may actually perpetuate the very behavior we are wanting to transform.
Whether you are working on forgiving either yourself or others, the following are six tips to help you on your journey:
#1 Accepting your anger
If we leap to forgiveness before connecting to and accepting our anger, we will merely be bypassing the hurt that is needing attention. The first step is therefore to validate the wisdom of the parts that are hanging onto resentment towards yourself and/or others.
To do that, feel into any part of you that is unwilling to forgive. Ask yourself what that part is trying to achieve for you. For example, it wants to protect you, punish someone (or yourself) for what happened, ensure it never happens again, motivate you to change, and so on. Send gratitude to that part for its intention for you. And ask yourself if holding onto the resentment has been effective in achieving the goal it has for you. If not, see if that part might be open to trying a different way.
#2 Accepting what is
Wherever there is a reluctance to forgive, there is usually resistance to accepting reality. Unfortunately, we cannot change the past, and resistance only further entrenches us in what happened since it prevents us from moving on.
Feel into ways that you may be resisting things that cannot be changed. Again, send gratitude to the resistance for trying to protect you. And then ask yourself how it might feel to simply allow things to be as they are, and move forward from there. For more tips on accepting things as they are, see my blog post on the topic.
“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” – Martin Luther King
#3 Realizing it’s not personal
If you are working on forgiving someone, it can be freeing to realize that whatever happened wasn’t personal (which doesn’t mean there isn’t a huge personal impact to you). Of course when something tragic happens or your boundaries are violated, it feels very personal. However, it’s not your fault. Other people’s actions are their responsibility. Freeing ourselves from responsibility for others’ behaviors actually creates more space for giving ourselves compassion. And eventually may give us compassion for the other’s pain, if that is appropriate.
If it feels safe and will not be too triggering, I invite you to call up the image of someone who you are having a hard time forgiving. You may want to set your energetic boundaries first as described in the guided meditation at the end of this blog post or do anything else that will help you feel grounded and safe. Give yourself plenty of space to feel and allow for any emotions that come up. And imagine that you are giving back – preferably without anger — anything you might be unintentionally holding of theirs. Their judgment, pain, anger, insecurity, jealousy, power struggles… You can say out loud “this is no longer mine to hold.”
#4 Forgiving yourself
Although it seems that forgiving ourselves means we are likely to repeat the same mistake, when we are angry at ourselves we are actually more likely to repeat the behavior, because there is an internal war going on. Taking full responsibility for our actions usually requires the ability to fully face and accept our own imperfections.
Whether your anger is towards others or yourself, at least some of it is usually directed at yourself – be it consciously or unconsciously. Notice if there is a way you are blaming yourself. Feel the impact that the self-blame is having in your body and heart. See if you can send yourself compassion for the pain that you have, instead. Ask yourself what you would need to be able to forgive yourself.
#5 Letting go of inherited pain
Often, when we have been hurt or hurt others, there are old ancestral wounds on both sides needing healing. While that doesn’t exonerate us from responsibility for our own actions, realizing that there are often generations of unresolved baggage wanting to be healed through us can sometimes help put things into perspective. The following is one resource for healing ancestral wounds: http://ancestralmedicine.org/ that has been very helpful to me in my path.
#6 Choosing freedom
Forgiveness only works if it is not an expectation, but a choice. And a choice you make not to be a better person, but because you want to free yourself of the burden of hanging on. Ask yourself, if today were the first day of the rest of yourself, would you want to be weighed down by resentment towards yourself or others? Close your eyes, and imagine in as much detail as you might be feeling and living your life if you chose forgiveness.
Forgiveness
Is the lightness
In my step
As I shed
The old shackles
Tying me to my pain
And to your transgressions.
I release myself
From your shadow
And my own.
I unravel
The rope
Of suffering
Snaking back
Through centuries
Of inherited wounds.
I see past
My stories
To the mirror image
Of my sorrows
Reflected
In your eyes.
© Jenny Brav
