Have you experienced prejudice and discrimination because of race, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, ability, religion, nationality, ethnicity etc.? Do the effects continue to impact your beliefs about yourself and the world?
“We recall our terrible past so that we can deal with it, to forgive where forgiveness is necessary, without forgetting; to ensure that never again will such inhumanity tear us apart; and to move ourselves to eradicate a legacy that lurks dangerously as a threat to our democracy.” – Nelson Mandela
Core wounding
In our essence, we are all whole and complete within ourselves. However, as babies and children, we are dependent on the outside world to get our physical and emotional needs met. We thus learn to derive our sense of safety and self from external cues. Core wounds occur whenever there is a split between ourselves and our sense of wholeness. We learn that we need to change, suppress, or trade-off certain parts of ourselves to feel safe or get our needs met. There are countless possible causes for core wounding: birth trauma, fear, abuse, anxious/overwhelmed caretaker(s), multi-generational trauma, neglect etc.
As a response to the pain of what we experience, we develop a belief about ourselves and the world, such as: “I’m not safe, I am not enough, I am not lovable, nobody is going to protect me.” We then develop compensatory strategies to overcome those beliefs, as well as distractive strategies to avoid feeling the pain of our beliefs.
Wounding experienced in our families is insidious enough. Its effects are further compounded by societally endorsed discrimination/prejudice. Many of us have grown up with (and may continue to live with) pernicious messages that some part of our identity is simply not OK, or is less than. This often causes a split between the part of us that learns to defend ourselves and tries to prove others wrong, and the part of us that internalizes some of the messages we have received.
While this is a huge topic, and cannot be addressed in one blog post, the following are four suggestions and a guided meditation for starting to heal some of the internal effects of discrimination.
#1 Exploring internalized beliefs
What messages did/do you receive about yourself that were/are “otherizing” and/or discriminatory in nature? What is the impact on your life now? Notice what you feel in your body as you start calling up these messages. Are there any places that feel tight, achy, or numb?
What coping strategies have you developed in response to these messages? Start noticing if there is a split in your psyche between the part of you that gets angry and tries to defend yourself, and the part that may have internalized some of the messages of not being enough?
#2 Compassion
The first step to healing is self-compassion. While it may seem obvious, many of us have learned to be our own harshest critics, especially when we are wanting to change. Notice any negative messages you are sending yourself, and send yourself love and understanding for that, knowing that this is an old strategy for trying to motivate yourself. And ask yourself if there is any way you can treat yourself more kindly.
The effect of discrimination and the internal split it causes often activates a trauma response in us. If you notice yourself going into fight/flight or (very commonly) freeze, instead of getting angry with yourself, see if you can send love to yourself.
#3 Forgiveness
Forgiveness can be a sticky topic, as it can seem like an invitation to condone or ignore structural inequality and prejudice. It may not always be accessible or appropriate. When we are able to access forgiveness, it is for ourselves, not the other. The intention is not to accept what has happened or social inequity, but rather to free ourselves from its effects so we are not held back from being our highest selves because of outsider fear energy that has been projected onto us.
Is there any particular event or person that you are not able to forgive? First give yourself compassion for the pain and anger that reside in you, knowing they are there for a reason. Give yourself permission to hang onto the anger as long as you need to feel safe. And then, start positing the possibility that at some point, you may be able to let go of what happened (or is happening, if it is ongoing). Not to condone it, but so you can be free from its effects. Knowing that whatever happened it had nothing to do with you. They were just acting out based on their fear and the messages they had received about power and the world.
#4 Reconnecting to your wholeness
Start feeling into the part of you that knows, deeply, that you are OK exactly as you are. If that feels like science fiction right now, you can put a hand on your heart and one on your belly, and breathe. Otherwise, imagine a situation where you feel completely yourself. It may be doing a creative activity, or a sport, or out in nature. Notice how that feels in your body, and invite your cells to memorize this feeling. This is your birthright. This is who you really are. Whole and complete. Exactly as you are.
The following is a guided meditation to start getting in touch with and heal our wounded younger parts (and if the wounding happened later in life, work with that age).
© Jenny Brav
