Can you be your own worst critic? Is loving and accepting yourself contingent on changing all the things you don’t like about yourself?
“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” – C.G. Jung
In Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT, or tapping), the standard setup sentence is a variation on “even though I have [_____ fill in the issue you are working on], I deeply and completely love and accept myself.” For many of us, however, the idea of loving ourselves as we are seems like science fiction. This may due to a history of receiving praise or rewards for good behavior or achievement, and of getting negative feedback/punishment for misbehavior or under-achieving. We may also have learned that loving ourselves was tantamount to arrogance.
In the healing world and spiritual realms, however, it has become accepted wisdom that whatever we resist persists, and that the gateway to change is actually being able to accept ourselves as we are. Easier said than done, for many of us.
The following are 8 tips for cultivating greater self-love and acceptance.
Note: For some people, the word love itself is a loaded term. Clients sometimes say: “I don’t even know what the word love means!” If that is the case for you, you can replace the word love with acceptance, empathy, or any other word that resonates with you.
# 1 Notice your self-judgments
For the duration of this article, I invite you to take off the hat of self-critic, and put on your curious explorer hat. Imagine that you are an anthropologist newly arrived in the land of You, who is wanting to understand what makes you tick. With that perspective in mind, I invite you to start noticing what gets in your way of accepting yourself. Are there specific themes or patterns to your self-judgment? For example, does your self-critic get activated about your appearance, your performance, your articulateness, an addictive habit, your productivity, your ability to socialize with others? Do you ruminate about the past, or compare yourself to others?
I recommend keeping a daily judgment journal for a week. Either as you go or at the end of the day, jot down the thoughts and self-criticisms you noticed coming up during the day, or any way you felt disappointed in yourself. If self-judgment is not the main obstacle to loving yourself (but rather an addictive behavior, being too other-focused, and so on), track that instead.
#2 Notice the impact on your body and emotions
Now that you have a sense of what your judgment patterns are, start noticing what happens in your body when you judge yourself. Do certain areas of your body contract? Are those habitual areas of holding for you? What emotions arise when you are hard on yourself? Do you feel shame, frustration, helplessness, anger, overwhelm, defensiveness and so on? Do you want to check out? After a few days of tracking your judgments, start adding the physical and emotional impact of your self-criticism in your judgment journal.
#3 Acknowledge your patterns for trying to help you
Ask yourself what your judgment is trying to achieve for you? Is it wanting to motivate you to do better? Get you to change a negative pattern of behavior? Do better than those around you? Prevent you from experiencing failure by keeping you from trying?
Send gratitude to your judgment and self-critic for what they are trying to achieve for you. And then ask yourself how well it’s been working for you. Does judging yourself actually motivate you to work harder, or does it just lead to feeling bad about yourself and wanting to give up? And is there another way to meet the same need that might be more effective?
#4 Trace the pattern to its roots
After a week of keeping your journal, start feeling into the beliefs about yourself that might be underlying your judgments. For example: “I always mess things up,” “no matter how hard I try it’s never enough,” “it’s OK for others but not for me.” Start noticing if the belief feels familiar. Ask yourself: “if there was an age when I first started believing this, what age (or time frame) might that be?” And see if any number or memory pops up. If not, do not worry about it, you can just stay with the belief itself. Otherwise, start feeling into what was happening at the time, or who you might have gotten that belief from. Whose voice or judgments (either about you or themselves, or both) might you have internalized?
#5 Send yourself compassion and forgiveness
Now that you have identified where some of your patterns come from, see if you are able to give yourself compassion for the messages you might have received about yourself. If you aren’t able to have compassion for your current self, try sending empathy to your younger self. At the same time, begin to open to the possibility of forgiving yourself for having absorbed these messages. If you have regret over the past, things you did or didn’t do, see if you can forgive yourself for that, too. Realizing that when you withhold love from yourself, you are likely to perpetuate the mistakes you are beating yourself for. Remember that accepting yourself doesn’t mean giving up or resigning to an unwanted fate. It just means that you are no longer fighting with what is. In fact, it is often only when we are truly able to be love ourselves unconditionally that old stuck patterns begin to shift, because it was conditionally of love that made us develop the coping strategies in the first place.
#6 Start welcoming the parts that have been rejected
As you begin to give yourself compassion, begin to feel into the possibility of accepting even the parts of you that seem unacceptable. Most of us make self-acceptance conditional on living up to our expectations of ourselves, which means that we split off from parts of ourselves that feel unworthy of love. However, those neglected or hidden parts often manifest as our shadow or self-sabotage patterns, trying to get our attention. The more we are able to embrace all of ourselves, including the parts we are less than proud off, the more likely we are to feel whole and integrated.
Feel into the parts of yourself you have been judging. It may be your fear, your vulnerability, your anger… Or it may be the part of you that shuts down and goes into overwhelm, or the part that wants to check out and distract. And see if you can start welcoming that part in. If it helps, perhaps put a hand on your body where it felt tight earlier. And give that part reassurance. For example “it’s ok. I’m here. Even though I’ve been angry at you, I’m open to accepting you are here.” Or whatever feels genuine to you.
#7 Honor your strengths
Our minds are conditioned to focus on the negative. In order to begin shifting your perspective, I invite you to start making a list of your strengths. Transform your judgment journal into a gratitude and celebration journal. Every day, write down something about yourself that you want to honor, and/or that you are grateful for.
#8 Connect to your future self
If accepting and loving yourself as you are still feels elusive (and even if it doesn’t), I invite you to call in a future self who is at peace with themselves. You may get an image of them, or just a felt sense. Imagine that you are approaching this version of you, and letting them know that you are struggling with accepting yourself as you are. Ask for any message or advice they may have for you to get to where they already are. You may also ask for their support in helping you heal any remaining limiting belief or outdated coping strategy that may be getting in your way. If it feels accessible, imagine you are merging with this version of you. How does it feel in your body to accept yourself? How are you living your life? Feel this in every cell of your body. Feel yourself embodying this version of yourself every day for 21 days, and by the end of that time you are likely to feel more at peace with yourself.
“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit” – E.E. Cummings
© Jenny Brav
